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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.