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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."