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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Siri, where are my pants?
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.