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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I look so young for my rage.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought Iād take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Iām on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.