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Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.