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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.