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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.