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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.