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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.