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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?