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Iām single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.