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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener