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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there