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I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.