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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.