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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if Iām right!
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.