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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?