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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.