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I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."