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The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?