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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.