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Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?