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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.