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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so Iām just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.