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I`ve decided to go my own way and think "inside the box" to be different ... Wow its dark in here!
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because Iām terrified of the electricity bill.