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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.