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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.