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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.