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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Chip clips are for quitters.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.