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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..