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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass