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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.