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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!