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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
How does one get a nice body without moving?
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.