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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.