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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.