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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.