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I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."