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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Save time. See it my way.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
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I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.