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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!