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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional