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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.