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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.