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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.