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Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.