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If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
This status has been censored by Facebook
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.