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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.