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Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.