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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Real friends show me their boobs
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.