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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.