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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.