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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
It saddens me to think that I`ll never be able to watch my own a$$ as I walk away :(
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.