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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.