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Jesus is coming.... look busy
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
I just threw up my weekend.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.