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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
It should really be called teethpaste.