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If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
The word bed looks like a bed.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
We get it poets: things are like other things
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!