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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
My life is loosely based on a true story.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?