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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.