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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.