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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.