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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.