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Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.