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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
Smooth move.........ExLax
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?