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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.