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I put the o in illiterate!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?