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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.