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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.