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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug