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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!