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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun