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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.