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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!