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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional