Daily Silly Status

I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.

Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.

This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!

Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.

I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.

If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.

So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.

Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.

I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.

What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.

I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.