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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.