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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?