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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.