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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.