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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.