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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.