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I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.