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You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.