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If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass