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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.