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All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.