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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.