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My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
Please: No,No.No-More about how you think relationships should be: we`ve got it , Your Single,,- get off facebook and go take your own expert advise...
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.