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There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.