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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone