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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store