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Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them