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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Soup of the day: Beer
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords