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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.