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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops