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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
Iām going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.