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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?