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First fart at my new job.
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?