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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!