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I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Running behind is my cardio.