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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. Iām flattered.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
life is too short to match socks
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.