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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.