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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
I get my cardio from caffeine...
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"