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That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.