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The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?