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Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.