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When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”