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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.