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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.