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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.