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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.