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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.