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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.