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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.