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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?