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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?