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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside