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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
Long story short, I love summaries
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.